Letting go...yeah, still hard to do. But it's definitely necessary....and it's mostly a choice. I think I'm finally ready to do it. It's time to just trust...and realize I can't always control the outcome. But it will be okay.

All I want to do lately is sit in bed with George (my new kitten) and read...and eat ice cream. That's it.

I can memorize a script in 2 days flat. Sooo..why after a week can I not remember a darn thing on the menu when I'm waitressing? It's pretty embarrassing.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. This has been a pretty crazy few weeks since I came back from Spring Break. After a lot of tears and thinking, I decided to drop my BA in Music and only pursue the BFA Acting degree while I'm here. Basically, I feel like I'm doing too much and don't have the time or energy to really soak up all I'm being offered right now, and I hate that. There are weeks that I honestly don't even have 30 minutes to myself and get only about 4 hours sleep a night, and I just cannot do that anymore. Everything that keeps me so busy is something I enjoy, but it sort of takes the fun out of it when I can't even concentrate on what's happening at the moment because I'm too busy going over my mental to-do list of all the other things I'm missing out on or being late for, you know? I don't want to leave OCU with just degrees, I want to leave with great training and feel prepared. Right now I feel like I've just been cramming for a test and I'm going to forget everything the second I walk out the door. Scary thought. Anyway, this is the new plan and I'm very content with it. I should graduate on time and while I will still have at least 18 hours a semester and need to take a lot of summer school, my work load should be a LITTLE BIT lighter next year, and I just might have time to enjoy myself without feeling guilty every once in a while : ) I will also have room in my schedule to complete Meisner with Schneider, get my piano proficiency if I want to, continue voice, and take some more dance classes. I'm really happy. I'm mostly happy I can just put my whole heart into the BFA now and take music classes without the stress.

So, last week was a busy, but great one. Relay for Life was a huge success! Our goal was $15,000 and we raised about $43,000. That's more than we ever dreamed of : ) I'm so proud of our teams... Everyone worked so hard and I really feel like we were able to make a difference.

On Friday I had my phone interview for the internship with The Alley Theatre and was so thrilled to get an offer for the Young Performers' Studio Internship. I'll be in Houston for June and July and I'M SO EXCITED : ) I'll be living in Seabrook with my dad and maybe getting a job there, as well, for nights and weekends. Not sure what I'm doing in May, but I need to take some summer school. I think I'm going to try and take some gen ed's through correspondence and finish a few hours that way while at home. I'm missing my family, so being at home will be good. I could also probably work a little while I'm there at my church. We'll see.

Our Town opens this weekend! I think it's a beautiful show and I hope everyone can come see it! I got to fill in for Hayley for Act I the other day and it was so fun. It made me a little sad that I probably won't ever perform it, haha, but this has still been such a great experience. I love love love the people in the show and I've been learning a ton. I hope I can do more with City Rep in the future- this has been wonderful.

Okay, I need to do some hw before I go back to class. <333

so some updates since the last post:

1) cast as the understudy for Emily Webb in Our Town, which OCU is doing with Oklahoma City Repertory Theatre. This is a really neat experience for several reasons: First, the people. I'm getting the chance to work with a cast and crew rich in talent and experience...but best of all, they're nice and really fun to be around. : ) Also, all of us OCU kids in the show are beginning our candidacy for the Equity Union with this show, and that's amazing! This is my first time to work as an understudy, too, and I am really enjoying myself. Watching Hayley as she mooshes around with Emily is teaching me a lot. It's fun to see how differently another actor will approach a scene. She thinks of things that have never even crossed my mind and I love that. This role is also allowing me to take time and look around a lot more in rehearsal. I get to step back and see how both sides of the production are run a little more clearly, and I'm learning so much. It's also fun to just be able to jump in and help wherever I'm needed, even if that means standing in as a tree or being a man for five minutes, haha.

2) My 90 second audition at Midwest was a hot mess, but the trip was definitely worthwhile. While I was only called back for one thing- which, by the way, turned out to be a principle role in a "mature art film" that required a fully nude "sensitve" shoot...which I hastily declined- I had a great time in St. Louis and learned a lot, so I'm happy. Just taking the trip with my friends would have been enough. We laughed, we flew, we rode the metro (my first time!), stayed in a nice hotel, made a couple new friends, saw an old friend, went out to eat, and went a little crazy. It was a good time.

3) Not sure yet what I'm doing this summer. I'm still hoping to hear back about an internship, but if that doesn't work out, I guess I will stay here in OKC and take summer classes. Depending on how many classes I will take and how long I will be here, I might also work. By the way, I've had this strange desire to be a waitress for about a year now. I think it would be fun just as a summer job. Crazy, I know. Between the clumsiness and my desire to eat everything in sight, I would probably lose my job within a week, but I feel like I would enjoy it. I'd want to work at either a really busy sports bar or some really classy place. Any ideas?

4) Other things I've been busy with at school: 1) just found out I got cast as Mag in Prelude, a really neat 10-minute play that my lovely, talented, and most wonderful friend Diana Silver wrote. : ) I'm so excited about it. We perform in Kerr McGee on March 30th at 7pm, I think. Come see it! 2) Relay for Life is coming up so soon! We've all been working so hard and cannot wait to see it all come together! I think it's going to be wonderful!

5) I'm home right now for Spring Break and it's nice. It's been really good to spend time with my fam. I miss them so much when I'm at school. I know I won't be able to come home any other weekends this semester and I really don't think I'll be here for any extended time this summer, either, so it's also been a little bittersweet. Macaroni makes my life and I wish I could bring him back to OCU with me. My mama and I had some movie dates and I had so much fun just laughing/crying with her. My sister and I have gone out to lunch a couple times and talking with her always makes me happy. And I just always really miss hugs from my papa. And I got to see SamBam. Goodness, I missed her.

6) Life's a little confusing, but I am pretty happy. I've re-discovered my love for Strawberry Shortcake, and that alone has made life a little sunnier : ) I'm more thankful than ever for my friends and family. I don't know where in the world I'm going, but I have a pretty amazing backup team to help me figure it out. I'm a lucky girl.

Ok, between this crazy ice storm and trying to learn the New England dialect for the Our Town callback, I feel VERY confused with the world! Auditions were Wednesday night for Children's Hour, Our Town, and Polish Joke (Josh Harris's Graduate Project!). I am still not really sure about how I did...I never really know. I mean, I didn't fall down, cry, or forget all my lines, so I guess it wasn't disastrous, haha..but you never know. My outlook on all auditions this year is that I will just work my little tush off and do my thing. I know that the outcome is never really in my control past the point of preparation and the actual audition, so I'm trying not worry about anything after I walk out of the room. I would love to be called back/cast in ANY of the three shows (an opportunity to perform and learn is always the best outcome), but I also know that not seeing my name on the cast list is NOT the end of the world. With 20 hours this semester, The Outsiders, a lot of acting and voice work, Panhellenic Presidency, Gamma Phi, Relay for Life, church, etc...there are plenty of other venues to focus my energy. Having a few extra weekends to plan, work, and travel for summer auditions would be nice, so I'll be happy no matter what. This is also how I'm trying to look at the summer auditions. If I make something, WONDERFUL! If not, then hey, I can go ahead and get my dreaded 18 hour summer load of gen ed's at OCU OVER WITH this semester. Yayyy- either way : ) I feel a lot better with this "Do your thing, and don't worry about the rest" attitude. It has taken a lot of pressure off. I'm also really hard on myself, usually, and I think I've been a little better about that lately. I'm finding that it is OKAY to suck sometimes. I'm learning and this is what I'm in college for. This whole four, five, thirty years (haha..kind of) is a process. I've been so lucky to have all the performing opportunities I've had here so far: All My Sons, William's Window, Forgiven, Crucible, soon to be Outsiders, and of course all those Directing projects I got to be involved in! I've worked with some of the most talented and uplifting students and directors here and they have all taught me some invaluable lesson. I just want to soak up every bit of wisdom and experience I can.

I am not going to lie, though. All this talk about "do your thing and don't worry" is amazing..but right now, it's only effective about 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time, my little Dori heart breaks when I don't get something I've worked for and wanted so much. I feel like if a director sees me and calls me back, then there is some reason I should be there. This idea makes me go into "game-time" mode and I fight like crazy to prove myself. Maybe I should focus on that mantra we did the other day in my new movement class: "I am who I am. I have a right to be here and I have nothing to prove." I feel like it's empowering, but takes a little pressure off. My all-business attitude is awfully stressful, haha. I need to calm down and enjoy it more! More than anything, I'm afraid that attitude and fears that come with it take me out of the moment and I don't perform to my potential. I get so wrapped up in the OUTCOME and COMPARING myself that I forget to just...do it. You know? Well, anyway...I'm working on it : )

Outsiders read through was yesterday. Love it. I'm so excited. I am crazy about Elin and I can't wait to do this show with her! And I love our cast...I'm just ready.

I've been busy this week getting ready for summer auditions- so far it's Midwest and one at a theatre called the Winnipesauke Playhouse in Laconia, NH. I saw a show there last summer and would love to be a part of their companty! Also, I'm applying for an internship at the Alley Theatre in Houston. I'm looking for other places to audition, just kind of waiting for my OCU schedule to be finalized before I make travel plans.

OK, back to work! I've tons to do. : ) YOU have a wonderful day and stay out of this awful weather!

Love.

i've learned a few important lessons lately:

it's very possible to feel lonely even when you are surrounded by people. even friends and family, sometimes.

emotions can change. and letting go is really hard.

trusting is even more difficult. i used to think it was other people you had to learn to give into...but really, it's yourself.

the most important thing you can do for yourself is guard your heart. i don't mean not let anyone in, but you have to first take care of yourself so that you have the ability to love and take care of others. your heart is what has been entrusted to you and it's your responsibility to keep it safe.

taking one day at a time is key. and let people help you. and take coffee/chocolate/play breaks.

schooling has very little to do with your actual education.

you have to do what you love and are passionate about. you just have to.

every day should be like Christmas. there is so much to be thankful for and so many reasons to be joyful.

you should never ever settle for something good when you know you could have the something great. yes, even if it seems like it will never arrive.

it really is all about the attitude.

"go big or go home" is a good motto.

and lastly, it is SO ok to look really ugly when you cry. don't let anyone tell you differently.

<3, dori